Sunday, February 04, 2018 @ 18:32 

To desire friendship is a great fault. Friendship should be a gratuitous joy like those afforded by art or life. We must refuse it so that we may be worthy to receive it; it is of the order of grace. It is one of those things which are added unto us. Every dream of friendship deserves to be shattered… Friendship is not to be sought, not to be dreamed, not to be desired; it is to be exercised (it is a virtue) — Simone Weil

most third culture kids don’t understand forever. we prepare ourselves for change and understand the inevitable end of things. we’re never in one place long enough to know about commitment, and it’s even more difficult to understand if you have a non-traditional family like i had. my early friendships in grade school were my first encounters with heartbreak. i quickly learned that attention is a currency of friendship and forever is a commitment you have to choose to make. sometimes, it isn’t reciprocated, and you’ll just have to deal with that.

such is the reality for children of unorthodox upbringing and family backgrounds: we grow up with lofty ideals and make our own way in the world, mostly by trial and error. with very little guidance, we grow up with a tough exterior, but inside, we’re fluffy and full of air. we need to be shown what love looks and feels like, because we’re not as sure as others are about it.

after moving to manila in my mid-teens, i thought i’d end up a loner, always flitting from one group to the next. but i found myself thrust into the company of a very mixed group in my all-girls high school — and we found comfort in each other’s weirdness.

through the years, it has been these friends and the friends i’ve made and kept since, who have taught me most about commitment. about love. about forever. through weight loss and weight gain, from petty misunderstandings and bad teeth, to being dolled up and sweating it out in stretched a hummer or being broke in hong kong…i’m grateful for every single one of my friends who have stuck around. with the challenge of distance and the millions of distractions we face daily, the bonds we’ve kept, unmade and strengthened through the years, is without a doubt my super power.

this is why when i first tried my luck on dating apps, i included the photograph featured a few posts prior, where i’m doing a kind of power pose and am surrounded by my beautiful friends in a random alleyway in hong kong. and though a freak-geek can be strong on her own, amidst a pack of freaks and geeks — she’s unstoppable. i’m not on any of the dating apps anymore.

while it definitely works for some, it really isn’t for everyone; it wasn’t for me. i’ve learned that the least and easiest one can be is a lover, while the most difficult, is a friend.

here’s to friends1 and friendships! this playlist is a bit different from the mixtape (click on the gif!).

  1. now streaming on netflix! 

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